third time lucky

This would be the third time I've done the sneaky sex with my ex. And as fate would have it it was the time i realised exactly who he is, who i am, and most importantly why i was there. He gave me the key to his room and after not being able to sleep i caved in and went over (with his painting in hand the last item i have of his). I used the key and entered his room. It was just like how i remembered, even smelt the same. My heart started to race like the first time i stepped into his room and i knew i had to leave - this was never going to turn out. I left the painting and our history at the door and locked up and left. For the first time i was able to resist and leave.

However when he called me when he returned home, i returned back to his bedroom. I chose to go, sober, i made the decision to walk out of my comfort and into his insecure arms. Lying in his bed i felt like i couldn't control my body from the moment i laid next to him... i wanted to get out every part of me wanted to escape, but my body wouldn't move. I had to wonder why, was it that i wanted to see what would happen? Did i miss him and want to see if he still cared about me? These questions were even more frightening than being next to him. I left in the morning without a goodbye and when we got to talking later that day he told me to keep our secrets on the down low. I hated him more but i still hadn't answered my questions.

Later the next day i went to lunch with a friend who by chance got to talking about my ex and how his ex used to date him. This friend revealed that she was a serial cheater who had cheated on him with his best friend and another one of his mates in the same night. I wanted to contact my ex straight away and tell him to stay away, that he was going to get hurt.. because he liked her just the way i liked him - i couldn't help but care and want to help. But i didn't, i sat on the thought and watched a DVD. Which by chance, was about letting go of someone who has cheated and taken so much from you, you could never let them back in, even when you think your problems have disappeared. My ex had told me it was karma that she had cheated on him and i didn't quite agree because he would never be remorseful towards me for his indiscretions. But now that i knew of her past i realised this was really karma - i had to let him dive solo back into a relationship with her - that was bounded for the lies and treatment he gave me.

It was then i realised i realised i didn't miss him, not one bit. Its not that I'm holding onto him, its that I'm holding out for my apology. But I'm never going to get my apology or even a taste of his remorse. So there is no need for me to keep pretending to be his friend. I'm so over this, i couldn't care what he thinks of me or how i am. Because i love me and even more Ive forgiven myself for putting myself through all his shit. I can live freely as me knowing this and without his judgement that has been suffocating me for the past three years. I'm sorry i told you i wouldn't tell anyone but you also told me you cared. I'm not playing games, I'm playing honest - a game you could never win.


J'adore Sophia Innez