third time lucky

This would be the third time I've done the sneaky sex with my ex. And as fate would have it it was the time i realised exactly who he is, who i am, and most importantly why i was there. He gave me the key to his room and after not being able to sleep i caved in and went over (with his painting in hand the last item i have of his). I used the key and entered his room. It was just like how i remembered, even smelt the same. My heart started to race like the first time i stepped into his room and i knew i had to leave - this was never going to turn out. I left the painting and our history at the door and locked up and left. For the first time i was able to resist and leave.

However when he called me when he returned home, i returned back to his bedroom. I chose to go, sober, i made the decision to walk out of my comfort and into his insecure arms. Lying in his bed i felt like i couldn't control my body from the moment i laid next to him... i wanted to get out every part of me wanted to escape, but my body wouldn't move. I had to wonder why, was it that i wanted to see what would happen? Did i miss him and want to see if he still cared about me? These questions were even more frightening than being next to him. I left in the morning without a goodbye and when we got to talking later that day he told me to keep our secrets on the down low. I hated him more but i still hadn't answered my questions.

Later the next day i went to lunch with a friend who by chance got to talking about my ex and how his ex used to date him. This friend revealed that she was a serial cheater who had cheated on him with his best friend and another one of his mates in the same night. I wanted to contact my ex straight away and tell him to stay away, that he was going to get hurt.. because he liked her just the way i liked him - i couldn't help but care and want to help. But i didn't, i sat on the thought and watched a DVD. Which by chance, was about letting go of someone who has cheated and taken so much from you, you could never let them back in, even when you think your problems have disappeared. My ex had told me it was karma that she had cheated on him and i didn't quite agree because he would never be remorseful towards me for his indiscretions. But now that i knew of her past i realised this was really karma - i had to let him dive solo back into a relationship with her - that was bounded for the lies and treatment he gave me.

It was then i realised i realised i didn't miss him, not one bit. Its not that I'm holding onto him, its that I'm holding out for my apology. But I'm never going to get my apology or even a taste of his remorse. So there is no need for me to keep pretending to be his friend. I'm so over this, i couldn't care what he thinks of me or how i am. Because i love me and even more Ive forgiven myself for putting myself through all his shit. I can live freely as me knowing this and without his judgement that has been suffocating me for the past three years. I'm sorry i told you i wouldn't tell anyone but you also told me you cared. I'm not playing games, I'm playing honest - a game you could never win.


J'adore Sophia Innez

lust, love and lists

I knew that my checklist was suffocating any chance for fun, I had added so many points that not one man could come close to ticking them all off! I found myself thinking that every guy I had met had fallen short of what I'm looking for. And even more so realizing that I had been hunting for a husband more than a boyfriend. So, if from now I start looking for a boyfriend, what does this checklist entail?
When did this process stop becoming romantic and start becoming robotic? Love and lust don't start with checklists and criteria, so why do I always let these lists push away any chance for a relationship? Is it that I'm trying to save myself from thinking I compromised or, is it that I'm scared they will later realise I don't tick enough of their lists? Either way right now boys are not the reason I'm single it's these checklists killing my love life.

J'adore Sophia Innez

19 going on 31

Its inevitable we grow up and kisses turn into sex just like our degrees turn into careers. Its natural... and we are only following what has been put in place for us at birth. But there comes a time in life when we start to question what we are doing? And where we are going? And who we are with now and who will be in the future? We start to form a checklist for our goals and ambitions just as fast as we start creating criteria for our men. Ive been single for two and a half years now and its by choice. I wrote my checklist too early and the constraints are suffocating any chance of fun. So i had to wonder, when did we stop looking for boyfriends and started looking for husbands?
J'adore Sophia Innez

yesterday- alone, thursday- love, tomorrow - lonely

It seems that one day we are happy, we catch ourselves smiling sheepishly at the text we just received. His name on our phone is just enough to make us feel adequate for the day. But when is it okay to tell our friends about him? Because tomorrow he might not pop up on our phones and we feel lonely again.

Ive learnt that the only way to stay secure in this unforgiving world is to keep everything to yourself - so that judgements and disappointments don't have the chance to overwhelm and consume you just as fast as you fell for his smile and quick witt. But this rarely happens, rarely... NEVER! We cant help but to want to share our hopes, our feelings and experiences. It's challenging our very nature to keep to ourselves. So why do we try to keep to ourselves when all we want to do is reach out? Is it that we are simply afraid to put out what we want in case it doesn't come, and in turn we can deny any such desires?!

J'adore Sophia Innez

locks and keys

We often fall into these holes in life when we feel as though nothing is going forward in our lives, nothing is going right, we're just stuck in the middle of nowhere - hoping that something , mostly someone, will come along and make us jump out of bed in the morning.. and hopefully back there with them later that night! But most of the time, this is just the thought crippling our lives. I'm still dragging myself out of bed and returning solo. And for too long i was moping about how alone i was and plus one all my friends were. Relationships seem to make us more content with the smallest things in life, they create a sense of euphoria that we don't seem to be able to do ourselves. So i wondered, do guys ultimately have the key to our happiness? Did we give them this key when we told them we liked them? And most of all, can we ever get it back?

Its like we have this lock and key system to our heart. We give out the keys to those we love and when we let them in they make our heart beat faster and harder. When they leave we lock it back up, but they still have the key, and we don't change the locks because we itch for that heart that beat faster and harder.

I remember giving out my first key. i haven't asked him for the keys back. I still yearn for the heart race. But its starting to kill me. So its time to change the locks and get new keys - for new love.